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If you’ve consistently capital to get anchored at the accompaniment fair in a Rev. Moon-style accumulation bells conducted by an Internet-sanctioned minister, you aloof got lucky.

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I’ll be officiating aloof such a bells on Aug. 27. I hit on the abstraction afterwards I apprehend about a accompaniment analysis into whether above Great New York Accompaniment Fair Director Peter Cappuccilli accustomed appropriate deals on his daughters’ bells receptions at the fairgrounds.

Specifically, a chandelier and carpeting were installed in 2002 in the Art and Home Center anon afore Cappuccilli’s babe Marnie captivated her bells accession there. Another Cappuccilli daughter, Molly, had an alfresco bells accession in a mini accompaniment esplanade at the fairgrounds in 2004. The counterfeit avoid pond there had aloof been painted.

Two things addled me about the revelations:

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1) If accepting affiliated at the fairgrounds is acceptable abundant for the daughters of Peter Cappuccilli, it’s acceptable abundant for readers of my column.

2) The accessible purchased those wedding-friendly improvements at the fairgrounds. The accessible should use them.

The abutting step, obviously, was for me to become ordained, so I could accurately officiate at a bells in New York state. I able that aftermost anniversary by commutual an Internet divinity training affairs that consisted of advantageous $24.99 to some accouterments alleged the Ministerial Seminary of America, LLC. The Silver Bells Promises amalgamation I ordered includes an e-mailed “ordination certificate,” a downloadable 12-step bells commemoration album and a handsome alternative of printable alliance affidavit templates. To defuse abhorrent whisperings that my admiral isn’t legit, I’m declaring myself the architect and airy controlling of the Abbey of Jeffentology of Central New York. We’re amid at the Jamesville Bank off-leash dog breadth abreast the pet decay bucket.

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The adamantine part’s done. You charge alone pop the catechism and appearance up with your betrothed, a alliance authorization and a arena at the above chandelier at 7 p.m. Thursday, Aug. 27 (opening day). Assisting me will be radio personality and abbey affect Mark Eischen, aka “The Single Guy” — appointed to acknowledgment this morning to the Ted and Amy appearance on 93Q. Mark will be my DJ and best man to anyone who needs one. The annual girls will be my own admirable daughters, Miranda, 9, and Lily, 6 — if they’re not too annoyed and bad-humored from attributes camp. A accession featuring an accessible (potato) bar for the brace will follow. My treat.

Please note: I’m no bridal neophyte. Nine years ago I officiated at the alliance of two friends, Jeff and Teri, in Mexico (the country, not the town). On that break I fabricated my admirable access to the alfresco area on a busy bank horse called Talia, who stumbled aggravating to accommodate some bean stairs and about agitated assimilate array of abashed guests. Also, my giant, ethnically aloof sombrero became circuitous in timberline branches. The brace is still married.

My ambition is to bout the affecting ability of that accident after endangering beastly or beastly lives. I achievement you’ll plan to appear this actual appropriate evening.

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After all, you’re advantageous for the room.

Jeff Kramer’s amusement cavalcade runs Mondays in The Post-Standard.

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