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“Something has to be done, including the achievability of the United States starting our own Common Network to appearance the World the way we absolutely are, GREAT!”

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– Donald J. Trump on Twitter

Hello, journalists!

Are you accessible to breach out of the aged cast of ancient account gathering? Are you acquisitive for the befalling to not abandoned address the account but accomplish it up?

Then you’re accessible to accompany the aggregation at Real Account Network, the groundbreaking state-sponsored media alignment committed to authoritative account abundant again.

The RNN motto: All the Account That Fits Our Agenda.

No journalism degree? No journalism experience? No problem!

At RNN, we accept that anyone can be a journalist. All it takes is a aptitude for pandering to our accepted admiral and a confidence that this important assignment is too big for FOX alone.

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Check out the jobs beneath and if you anticipate “That’s me to a Trumpian T!” cheep your résumé to us at #ImAJournalistToo.

Here are the positions available:

On-air presenters: As the accessible face of RNN, these personalities charge be accessible talkers adventurous to apish liberals. The ideal macho candidates will be white with a abounding arch of hair. Women charge be pre-menopausal with balanced legs and bass high arms; blondes preferred.

Global diplomacy specialist: The ideal applicant for this high-profile job charge accept a adroitness for announcement Trump hotels, Trump building and Trump golf clubs worldwide, as able-bodied as the adeptness to explain that globalism is a annoyance to America.

Fashion columnist: This trendsetter will address alone on area Americans can still acquisition articles from Ivanka Trump’s asleep appearance line.

Social media manager: While accomplished in assorted amusing media platforms, this accomplished alone will focus on acclimation misspellings in the president’s tweets.

Sports analyst: From Scottish golfing to African bays hunting, our kick-butt sports analyst will action aglow advantage of the sports Donald Trump’s ancestors loves most.

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Investigative reporter: This hard-charging being will focus alone on the misdeeds of Bill and Hillary Clinton, forth with the weirdly airy tweets of Chelsea Clinton. Is Bill still accomplishing it? Will Hillary anytime be bound up? Is Chelsea secretly evil? Our anchorman will booty a abysmal dive into these and added Clinton-related questions.

Russia correspondent: This adeptness Russian apostle will aftermath belief demonstrating what Americans could apprentice from Russian authoritarianism, including its access to news.

Social amends reporter: Apprenticed by a charge to fairness, this being will appraise the good, as able-bodied as the bad, aspects of racism, sexism, anti-Semitism, homophobia and Islamophobia.

Book critic: The arcane adept called for this coveted position will aftermath approved pieces lauding “The Art of the Deal” by Donald J. Trump.

White House correspondent: The applicant called for this high-profile job will be taller and better-looking than Jim Acosta. Charge accept ahead approved adventuresomeness in battle zones.

Diversity appoint No. 1: This best anchorman will be black. He or she will occasionally arise at White House briefings to ask affable questions about race-related issues. Questions will be supplied by the president’s communications staff.

If no acceptable candidates administer for this job, no one can say we didn’t try.

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Diversity appoint No. 2: This best anchorman will ballast “RNN en Espanol,” a approved affection that focuses on belief of alarming actionable immigrants. Though appropriate to accept a Hispanic aftermost name, this being is not appropriate to allege Spanish back “RNN en Espanol” will be advertisement abandoned in English, the official accent of the United States.

Diversity appoint No. 3: This amorous and apprenticed alone will be lesbian or gay or transgender, but not too lesbian or gay or transgender, and will aftermath account highlighting the president’s abutment for LGBTQ individuals who aren’t consistently babbling about it.

Media critic: This important exhausted will focus on advertisement affected account from the declining New York Times and declining CNN.

Environment reporter: This accent anchorman will aftermath belief assuming that atramentous is good, altitude change is a lie, wildfires can be apparent by bigger raking, and blade blowers are bigger than rakes for charwoman up your yard.

Interested in any of the above? Administer now!

And bethink the RNN guarantee, which is in band with industry standards: Low pay, no job security, aloof a adventitious to accomplish a difference.

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